Jenny Brown (skywind8) wrote,
Jenny Brown

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Shape Shifting

One of the things I've noticed about my life is that I often choose not to hold a strong opinion, resulting in me shifting to fit whatever space I'm in. That's not to say I don't have ideas and values that I hold as important, but... where ideas are more about local trends, I don't hold onto them much.

I don't know if this is a good thing, a bad thing, or just a thing. At the moment I'm sorta rolling through the ideas, examining it.

Sometimes, it's because it's easier to not claim an opinion than to hold onto an unpopular opinion. Who will claim enjoying country music in a group of rock fans who disdain country? And, it's just music; it's not so hard to walk away from, when there is a pressure against it. Likewise for television; it's not so important that I can't just walk away, and it's not worth the effort to set up time alone to watch things I like that no one else likes. It's unimportant and gives me little value.

It's not so important... holding onto ideas, opinions, preferences, that don't fit socially and which I can't share with much of anyone. I let go, they fall away.

Sometimes, it's because I don't have factual background to sufficiently support a theory or opinion, and it's not worth arguing with angry/pushy/bully folks to try to put forth my own idea. I get nothing out of arrogance or my-idea-is-better-than-yours posturing, and the arguing is stressful and annoying. People arguing are rarely actually listening to what I say anyhow, so there seems little point in speaking. I let things go, they fall away. Life moves on.

Sometimes, it's because holding onto a hope, a dream, a direction, a wish... just seems to set me up for disappointment. If I don't make plans, the universe can't move in a way that breaks them. If my dreams don't take form, they can't take a form that breaks the dream. It's safe... but in the long term, it's also dead. The opportunity passes, the window closes. Dreams fall away. Life moves on.

Some say that if you let everything fall away, what you're left with is your essential self; that which you cannot lose. But I look at all the things I identified with for a short while, things I enjoyed, even small unimportant things, and I feel loss that they are gone. Yes, I went on. And yet, a piece of me died and fell away. I can continuously create new me... but what if I want to hold onto something, even unimportant and such? When do I establish, this is me, take it or leave it, and claim what I want even when others don't?

What happens when Aries (self identity) battles it out with Scorpio and Pisces (death and sacrifice) or with Libra (connection/relationship)? What happens when the source of the battle is not some grand values and non-negotiables, but the smaller things, the things where just one or two compromises isn't so much, but a hundred sacrifices makes an impact?

How do I find a way back to claiming the unpopular and quirky things I care about, in spite of those around me not supporting them? What's worth fighting for?

I don't even know what I "like" anymore or what are my "favorites" or whatever. It's been too many years, I've changed so many times. Adaptability turned to wishy-washy and I'm left with... what? I'm not sure.

Who am I?

Tags: aboutme, needs/feelings
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