At the moment I'm feeling somewhat empty, hollow, like I've been searching for something for a long time and can't find it. Incomplete. I don't know if it matters, or if I'm just tired.
There's a photo on an advertisement here at my desk... a woman holding a baby, and he's kind of big... he looks weighty across her arms and shoulder, a big one not a newborn; and yet he's sleeping so peacefully. My first thought - talented photographer to get that photo opportunity set up so well. Second thought - the weight of his life... in her hands. Moment after moment, that builds his life... That's a 'burden' to carry that has purpose and reason and love.
That's an undeniable answer to the question: Do I matter? Does what I do have impact?
For a little one - yes, absolutely. The birthday letter I wrote to my niece today will touch her life much more than it touched mine. And still, touching her life does touch mine.
Does what I do matter in my local world? I'm less sure sometimes. I used to hit moods in past years where I'd end up stirring up trouble, not meaning to, but just responding out of a sense that I didn't matter / couldn't make much of a difference unless I tried really hard (and loudly). Thankfully that's mostly past now but I'm still not sure what to do with my energy. I need a place to be lively in interaction, and I'm not finding it very easily.
And still I'm seeking something. I want to know I'm alive. I want to feel and be. Connected. Alive.
Instead I'm sleepy. Forgetful. Busy. Distracted. Sometimes "in the flow" in a good way on projects, but I feel disconnected from the other parts of my life.
Oh well. Sleep always help. The energy comes and goes, and comes and goes, and comes and goes.
*watches the tides roll through*