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August 19th, 2008

Good Problems to Have

I feel like it's ages between posts here. I work, I exercise, I eat, I talk with Daniel, and I sleep. I read regularly, keeping up with all of you even if I don't comment, but writing always seems to take more time. Work goes well. Exercise at the gym goes very well. My own attitudes are shifting as I let myself see the world anew, dropping old ideas of who I thought I was in favor of who I am becoming.

I have ideas, things I want to write and do, and yet, by the time my evening brings me to the computer, it's already too late to spend an hour writing. But my days are spent in happiness and doing worthwhile things, so... no real reason for complaint.

Sometimes I feel like I'm walking in a dream. I keep waiting for that moment of waking up to realize it was all false. Only it's not. I feel blessed to be alive and doing well and generally having a relatively easy life. I feel blessed to be able to spend my time on exercise and casual creativity, and living on my own schedule. For all the frustration of occasional inconveniences in life, I really don't have much to worry about for now.

So although I don't have as much time as I'd like, to play with friends, to write, to paint, to research and read and watch movies and make stories... I have it pretty good. I have love, I have friends, I live a safe and secure life. I'd love more time for creativity and play, but I'm doing very okay.

It's so easy for me, most of the time, to have ambitions for success in so many areas at once... and not get a chance to practice any of them well. I still want to be creative in many ways, but time is narrowing my options for me. If I stick to my 3x/week gym schedule, then by the time I also get groceries / do chores, I get 1-2 hours per week for creative time; but then I get some weekends. And, I do make progress.

Perhaps this shift is finding ways in which the result of the creativity serves me, rather than being a way to seek attention/connection with others. So it's easier to focus. Or maybe I'm just tired and it seems that way tonight. :) One way or another, I feel gentler with myself lately.


Jenny Brown

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