I realized today how big a part of my happiness artistic expression is. I've had no access to my musical instruments, due to a crowded apartment and a policy against volume. Theoretically I could play the digital piano with headphones, but there's no space. I can't play my flute because of apartment rules. Since my web server was down, I've had neither my photo gallery nor my written web pages to work on and add to, and also no tools for doing programming the way I like. I've been limited in what I can do with photography, my other main hobby, for reasons too complicated to explain now. And I found myself stir-crazy and desperate for some kind of satisfaction.
My entire childhood, I had access to at least some expression. I drew, I wrote poetry, I played piano, I made forts and bridges and things. I programmed computers to do whatever my imagination could dream up (well, I tried to anyway; my imagination was often bigger than my skills and tools). It all helped keep me in balance, to relax from the stresses of not fitting in at school.
And now, for a variety of reasons, all of my normal outlets are unavailable to me. I'm crowded, I'm stressed, and I'm desperately desperately BORED. It goes beyond bored; boredom implies idleness, swinging feet, or watching the clouds float by. Instead, I feel squeezed, pressed, ready to burst. I NEED activity. I have to be challenged, information coming in, creativity coming out. It's not enough to be sitting around waiting for time to pass.
"Derived from the Greek word for having a goal, entelechy is a particular type of motivation, need for self-determination, and an inner strength and vital force directing life and growth to become all one is capable of being."
There are so many things I want to do, so many things to pursue. Where do I even begin? What tradeoffs do I make to have time for it all?
I've played piano for years; I'm fairly good at it but only beginning to gain artistic expression during performance. My technical skills are there, but my expressive skills need more practice to put the emotion into the music. So I'd like to spend more time on that - but at the moment I don't have the space to set it up. I'd really love to be better at playing flute; I'm definitely still a beginner there. It's such a feminine and sensual instrument; it gets my mouth involved in the music which I really like. It's almost like having a second voice. But I would need lessons to progress any farther, and since I can't practice in the apartment (lease rules) that seems like a dead end for now. Voice lessons would be a mixture of fun and frustrating, as I'm very much a beginner there too and it takes so long to learn it as well as I'm hoping for (probably a minimum of two years for me to reach a level where I'd enjoy my own results). I've had very little modeling to learn from there (no church choir or anything), and my throat has always seemed uncooperative to training efforts. So music feels like a dead end for now even though I'd love to be able to spend more time on it. I do miss it though.
I got into photography fairly seriously over the last few years. Now I've started to really learn lighting, and posing will be next. But I'm stalling out for lack of appropriate equipment, and lack of funds to get what I know I need. I've learned a lot from books while waiting for money to come available, but I can only do that for a short time before I have to actually try out the skills and practice them in reality. I absorb the information so fast; I'm through the book almost before I realize it. And I remember almost all of it. Then I'm itching to try actually applying it so I can get the full depth of its meaning, but without the supporting circumstances necessary for it, I'm spinning my wheels again.
So I ran out of things to do today, or rather, things I could do while sitting at my desk at work. I need more challenge there too; perhaps tomorrow I will feel up to writing out my plans for improving the team production efficiency. It needs to be done to hit our deadline, and I know how to make things work. But I'm not sure if there's anything in it for me, for going to the trouble of managing it all and possibly getting some people mad at me. I think I can pull it off mainly by inspiring people, but sometimes a person gets mad about the oddest things. I'm tired of dealing with insecure and jealous people (previous jobs) and have no interest in coming across that in this one. It would be fun to lead the team toward success though, and be respected for it. I just don't know if respect (or a $$ bonus) will actually be there if I do it.
So when I ran out of things to read and do and couldn't sit still anymore, I started to think about why I was fidgety, while reading articles on giftedness and high energy people, and realizing I was jealous of their accomplishments... but not because I couldn't do them, rather, because I could and would love to but haven't been able to create cooperative circumstances. I've been struggling so much just to tolerate life, get through the required stuff, and try to wait out the tough spots, that I was tired, irritable, and not functioning well for my own needs. Why not functioning well? It hit me that I hadn't created or expressed or accomplished anything significant in an irritatingly long time. While I try desperately to wait, wait some more, wait some more, on my new photo equipment purchase, blogging seemed to be the cheapest way to let out some creative expression.
When I feel like writing at all, I write long and in depth. I think broadly, and then it takes a while to formulate it all into words linearly. Sometimes an associative diagram thought bubble thingy would so better fit my thoughts than paragraph text. But this certainly translates to the web easier.
Who knows how long I will or won't continue writing in this thing. But it's a start.