Being kind to yourself could help you get through stress. Seems like an obvious thing, but also interesting.

Watched my friends get married (yay!) and met some new people there, helped other friends whose car broke down on the way to the wedding (and they made it anyway), and then today had my own car break. Such fun (well ok some of it). My car has a broken radiator fan, resulting in an overheated engine. Pretty easy to diagnose - the fan doesn't turn.

So we're down one vehicle for a bit, and low on groceries, with a heat wave smacking us around for the week, and I still have a lot to do...

But just for tonight I am taking it easy and just resting. 'Cause it's been a busy weekend, and although seeing friends was great fun, I need my routine back, and a chance to just -be-.

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Congratulations to aabassplayer and poppins17!!

It's been a while... my random "ugh I'm tired" and "oooh pretty thunderstorm" have been going to Facebook, leaving only meaty posts for here. And not many meaty posts have I made. Heh.

Today brought one, though friend-locked, so rss folks are gonna have to log in. Work life, social life, value and worth. Contemplating what I need socially to feel whole.

I'm back from the Grove, where I had an excellent week-long event, and did a lot of introspection and had a lot of fun with friendly folks. Over the next few days I may try to get caught up on LJ reading, but for now, assume I'm approximately 9 days behind. :)

Today is a day of settling, integration, daydreaming, and laundry and bills. I can tell I'm not really resettled into daily life yet. Still feeling fuzzy and drifty, and that's normal too.

From artemis112, five words she associates with me, with the caveat that I elaborate on them in some way. I'd pass the meme on, but I'm going to be busy for the next 9 days or so, so instead I'm just going to write.

Photography
Self-Awareness
Curiosity
Beauty
Lifeforce

( cut for length to save your friends' page )

That's all for tonight - time to get some sleep. Yay words. :)

I know it's finally summer when I notice that I'm driving poorly because I'm distracted watching pretty girls (college age) jogging alongside the road.... then turn my attention back to the road only to find that the two guys ahead of me are driving poorly for the same reason. Nice muscles, bikini top, and shorts - and a figure to stop me in my tracks. Summer is nice.

:)

Tonight's launch of Wolfram Alpha, with live video broadcast as they bring it online for the public. The video feed is a bit rough (too many viewers!) but still awesome.

http://www.wolfram.com/broadcast/wolframalpha/

I was able to make a math query and see results - a bunch of analysis, the equation plotted on a graph both zoomed in and zoomed out, and a variety of related information. Pretty cool. Wish I could hear more of the video without sound breaking up. I hope there will be a recorded version of it that I can re-watch later when the site isn't so swamped; it's exciting.

EDIT: The Wolfram rep on the chat said that justin.tv will have an archive of the video available, for those of us who want to watch it later.

This was a totally geeky exciting fun night. This is why I love working in tech.

I am at the beginning of a project of archiving and preserving family photo memories from my childhood and before (even into my parents' childhoods). My first focus is finding and ordering reasonably priced, acid-free and archival safe storage boxes and envelopes. Even this is turning out to be quite a task, as the things I'd most like to get are back-ordered, and I find it annoying to order and wait not knowing if the order will ever actually come through. But be that as it may... I have found some options.

The process of sorting and labeling will be interesting, if tedious. Slides are currently in original sets, roughly one roll of film per set. I used small ziplock bags for temporary storage, so I do still have the original sets matched, and most are labeled. I need boxes to arrive so I can transfer the labels to the new storage units. I estimate around 500 slides (probably just over that) based on the current sets; this is a relatively small number actually. I'm looking at this slide kit for storage, or rather, its component parts, since I only need half as many boxes. I like the subdividing and extra space for labeling, and I've had good experience with the reinforced boxes.

I still would like to clean the slides before sending them in to be scanned, if indeed I do decide to send them, which I'm not sure about yet. I'm thinking I'll send a set of my recent (non-family) artsy slides in first to make sure the place does a good job and I understand their process. My slides are clean and not warped; the family slides are not clean, some need new mounts, and some have really aged and questionable emulsions. There's a lot of work to do before they can even be scanned.

Then there's the question of the negatives. I have a LOT more of those. Fortunately, they're in better condition, having been inside more layers of protection and better conditions. They're generally clean, which likely also means unscratched in most cases. I have archival safe paper envelopes on the way to let me store the negatives, but the prints will take a lot more space. And I still have to sit through the process of transferring one roll at a time into the negative envelope, writing in a roll id number and names/dates, and tagging the prints set with the same roll id number. This is only made less tedious by the fact that I will enjoy checking out the photos as I go. Then there's the task of getting them scanned, too, so the images can be viewed by family; there's a lot to pay for if I decide to have them ALL scanned. Or a heck of a lot of hours (and still the cost of a scanner) if I do it myself.

And after that is all the prints that can't be accounted for from the negatives, although those are easy easy to do on my flatbed scanner here at home. Still they will need safe envelope storage, too, and labeling and organization.

What an odd and interesting mound of work. And I'm trying to keep costs reasonable while also making sure that what I do put into it is worthwhile - that is, the archival safe storage is plenty good enough.

A few years ago (June 2006), I wished for a day when I would be strong enough to hike a few miles carrying camera gear, so I could begin exploring the local state parks and recreational areas, far away from the roads and parking lots. At the time, I sometimes struggled to walk 1 mile on clean sidewalk. The dream seemed so far off.

It's not so far off anymore. In fact, I passed it a few weeks back. I did 5 or 6 miles in one day rather casually. I'm ... not sure where to aim next. I'm thinking maybe I'll just plan on spending the Spring actually using this new freedom, and see what I think after that.

It actually has had an impact on my workouts. Since I met my goal, I've been less concerned with showing up to work out regularly. So I do need to decide what's next, yet reasonable, and motivating. Maybe it's finally time to get a personal trainer to work with for a bit.


So - I am acknowledging reaching the milestone that I set a few years back. Shaw Nature Reserve, which used to feel enormous, I can cover on foot and back again in an afternoon, no worse for the wear. As long as the heat doesn't get to me, and I don't run out of drinking water, the distance is fine, and the weight of my pack is trivial.

I did it. And once I have some hours to process them, I have the photos to show it.

So, now what?

Tonight's (re?)discovery... The song from Phantom, "Music of the Night" has very eloquent use of trance language... mixed in with some directive language and some intentionally creepy gives-me-chills language.

I've always found this song haunting, but I didn't understand what made it work. I can see into it now. It uses trance language to melt resistance and seduce, directive language to make requests, and power-over language to give it the creepy factor. And it cycles between them to keep an energy flow going. Just when the directive language starts to kick up resistance, the trance language drops back in and melts it off. It's woven together skillfully with the melody which makes it such a gorgeous song. Fascinating.

Softly, deftly,
music shall surround you ...
Feel it, hear it,
closing in around you ...
Open up your mind,
let your fantasies unwind,
in this darkness which
you know you cannot fight -
the darkness of the music of the night ...

Let your mind start a journey
through a strange new world!
Leave all thoughts
of the world you knew before!
Let your soul take you where you
long to be!
Only then can you belong to me...

Floating, falling, sweet intoxication!
Touch me, trust me, savor each sensation!
Let the dream begin,
let your darker side give in
to the power of the music that I write -
the power of the music of the night ...

The lines that appeal to the senses... the "let" lines and "give in"... those relax the mind and encourage trance... along with the very regular singsong of the music. Then lines like "only then can you belong to me" bring back the chills and "eeek!" response (necessary for the audience to continue fearing the phantom a bit and worry for the girl). "In this darkness which you know you cannot fight" is directive trance language; after several lines that are comfortable and easy to go along with, it's suggestive and directive - a pushier way to still melt resistance. Then it's immediately followed by more gentle trance language to relax again. So it encourages a dual awareness - the soft, rocking, almost cradling night senses, combined with the eerieness of the phantom's power and mystery.

Nifty. :)

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I've had about a week and a half of having the house to myself... and I'm working from home, as well, so I haven't seen many people in person. When I'm not working, I've been largely in nonverbal space, and really enjoying the quiet, the peace, the way I can sink into physical sensation, textures, tastes, and my own pacing. It's physical, kinesthetic, being in my world by being in my body. I can't do that when I'm talky talky.

I've enjoyed the light and shadow of sun through the patio blinds, the warmth and fuzzy of snuggly cats, the joy of stretching sore muscles, and the coziness of thick wool socks. I've lost myself in the lovely flavors of roasted vegetables, fresh fruit, roasted garlic, homemade pasta with sun dried tomatoes. I've found my strength and energy, and ideas on rearranging furniture, and did it, and felt great about the result. I've read a book or two and researched areas of curiosity.

It has also given me a chance to dream and emotional space to move into myself in clearer ways. I turned down the dial on my life-pacing and focused on just what I really needed and wanted. (It helps that kitty is gradually getting healthier too; fewer needs there.)

And in that space, immediately new thoughts arose, new dreams, and energy I needed to pursue them.

My life before was the overflowing cup of tea and now there's a little space. Space in which I could nurture myself. Space in which I could cook and eat and dream and do.

Happy.

I went hiking. 4 miles! Roughly 10,000 steps. And I could do it and still feel good afterwards! Yay! And yay to aabassplayer coming with me so I'd have a walking buddy.

Shaw Nature Reserve, Daffodils and Bluebells in April 2009

(I need a better 'earth' icon.) I'm planning to go hiking at Shaw Nature Reserve this weekend. If no one comes with me I'll go myself anyway. But STL area friends - anyone interested? It will probably be a lot of walking, on the order of 2-4 miles, at a steady pace, on good (but moist) trails, with stops for camera fun. The terrain is hilly and yes it can be tiring to walk that far if you're not used to it.

Daffodils are in bloom, and I'm also hoping to try to get close to the bluebell area, though they may not be blooming for another week or two. And I'll have to check with the visitor center to figure out exactly where to go, and whether we can get close without one of their guides.

There's a Friday event on April 17, group trip to the bluebells with a staff guide, but as it's a work day, I'm not sure yet whether I'll be able to do that. This weekend is as much an attempt to figure out whether the bluebells are accessible to normal visitors, and if so, where.

The contrast between yesterday's suck and today's greatness is blinding. Is the universe apologizing to me, or did I just finally get enough sleep? :)

( long but happy )

So I enjoyed some dinner and soon it will be time to feed and medicate cats and get myself to bed. But I'm excited and full of design ideas and wowee it's been a great day. :)

I'm underslept (late night + early meeting), and spent all day fixing broken code. Ended up being a 10 hour day and I'm not quite done. Oh well.

So I got off work, and wandered to the kitchen to fix myself some food - since I was a bit shaky from hunger, and worn out, and generally cranky. Put out fresh food for the cats. Went to the sink to wash a dish, and hit a glass with my elbow that I couldn't see through my currently messy long hair. Woops. That's one less dish I'll have to wash..... ever.

30 minutes and one broken glass later, the glass was swept up, the cats had entirely refreshed food and water (for safety), and I was still hungry and a bit more shaky. And I had the occasional shard of glass being held off by the leather that is the bottoms of my (often barefoot) feet. Cheers for all the time I've spent going outside barefoot this Spring - it toughened up my feet enough that I didn't get a single cut, despite digging at least 10 pieces of glass out of my feet as I cleaned up the kitchen. As to why I didn't just put on shoes? Duh, then I'd drag that glass all over the rest of my house before noticing it, and that would really suck. At least when it touches my foot, I notice it and pick off the grit.

The cats were kind enough to make themselves scarce from the moment of impact, and stay out of my way while I cleaned up. Smart cats.

While I was sweeping it up, one of the larger pieces of glass went skidding under the stove. It wouldn't come back out with the broom. I put on a nitrile medical glove (puncture resistant), and tried to gently pry it back out with my fingers. No go, it was curling around the stove underside, and I didn't have clearance to get it out. Wandered around looking for a board to put under the leg, found an unused bookshelf shelf, and lifted the stove enough to shove it under. It worked; glass came out on its own and I could toss it.

Swept the rest of the floor again, hand-mopped a few places, and finally got it basically clean. Grabbed some fruit for myself, ate a bit, and then took a shower... and got a spontaneous nosebleed. Sigh. Nothing serious, just annoying. I've been prone to them the last few days; dehydration I think. The humidity shift plus bending over to pick up shampoo probably restarted it.

Now I'm waiting for my feet to dry and toughen back up before I wander around the kitchen trying to fix a real dinner. Need that leather back. But I'm clean. I still need to syringe feed a cat and then I can get some sleep. And OH do I need it. Cranky I am, yes yes.

In the next two days or so, in addition to work and cat care, I need to:
* get stamps and send off bills
* get my paycheck and pay rent
* get kitty litter and dry cat food (critical)
* do dishes

And, hopefully, get enough sleep and food that I stop being clumsy. 'Cause clumsy means I'm WAY too dang tired.


There was ONE good thing tonight. Well, two I guess (I also avoided cutting myself on the broken glass), but mainly: Hope is now off his pain pill, and immediately began eating voluntarily again. He hasn't eaten a lot yet, but it's still a far cry better than where he was. In time perhaps he really will go back to eating for himself. Crazy cat.

So, on a whim, I got a jar of local raw honey over the winter, and have been having quite a bit of it (as it is really tasty). And this spring, I haven't had the massive allergy attacks I usually get as things thaw and bloom. Maybe there's actually something to that? In any case I'm happy to be mostly allergy-free.

Things on my mind... no particular order.

( kitty and work )

( social and simpler life )

That train of thought took me earlier to a place that made me laugh.

Things you'll never see in an article suggesting a simpler life:
( list of my ideas )

Ok that was fun.


And for today's depressing quote that's supposed to be inspirational, but SO isn't,
"If you depend on someone for your happiness, you are becoming a slave; you are becoming dependent, you are creating a bondage. And you depend on so many people; they all become subtle masters, they all exploit you in return."


Despite the overall tone of my post, I'm actually in a fairly good mood, and feeling mostly satisfied with my life. I'm a bit worn down from responsibilities, but there's nothing to do about that except keep going. (My favorite quote heard during the last time I was at the grove: "If you're going through hell, KEEP GOING.")

I would like to be less alone with the work that is in front of me, especially housework. I can't really afford to bring in a professional organizer as I would like. But I'm short on other ideas, and often, short on time. So I live with it, and wait, and eventually someday maybe I'll have some time to do something about it.

I continue making progress on my rainbow afghan. I used a scale today to check progress; 32 oz of yarn in the afghan so far, 17 oz of yarn left in my skeins. Some pencil and paper math told me I might be a bit tight on the final set of 6 stripes; the variance is within the margin of error of measurements. This mainly matters for symmetry, as I have:

(rainbow6) (rainbow6) (rainbow6) (one white row) (rainbow6) (rainbow6) (rainbow6) (one white row) (rainbow6) (rainbow6) (rainbow6 maybe or maybe not)

Of course, when I start that last set of 6 rows, I'll basically know with the first color whether I'm likely to have enough yarn of all the colors to finish it out, or not. Then I plan to do edging with either white or black, so that gives me a little flexibility for the design. I could add a row or two of black at the end and it would just have a thick-border feel.

I would have preferred to do the set of two rainbow6 in the center instead of on one end, but I had already started the third center set before I did the measurements. Could still rip back, but eh. It's not that important to me to have it symmetrical.

I do find it awesome that I'm actually past the halfway point on the project. One color row = one hour of crocheting; so in the end I'll have put in around 55-60 hours on it, once I finish the edging. Wow.


It also occurred to me that I've been working on a pride blanket during my fire dedication years; visibility, shining, integrity, standing for what I believe in... It fits. And it's a pretty blanket.