Last January, after losing a long-term job and facing the changes in my life around it, I wrote:

"I need somewhere to take my career that gives me sustained challenge and keeps opening up more doors to opportunity. It's how I work, it's how I've always grown, and I need it again. And after spending quite a bit of time focused on real research R&D, I'm able to tackle much harder problems."

Sometime in late January, or maybe it was early February, I made a choice about my intentions for my year. You could call it a New Year's Resolution. While I don't get into the "lose 30 pounds" or "try skydiving" or whatever the traditional resolutions are... I do try to set an intention, a gentle background focus for my year and my choices. My motto for 2011 was thus:


"Make more mistakes."


By that, of course, I didn't mean be sloppy or careless, or intentionally clumsy. But rather, get out of my comfort zone. Try new things. Dare to attempt things I'd never done before and knew would be hard. Move into the unknown instead of freezing up at the threshold and then turning away. Try things that "don't seem like something I would do" and see how it felt from the other side of the first time - when the first try was behind me instead of yet to come. Take those first tries with courage and curiosity, and don't bother getting nervous or anxious about it, just go try.

And throughout the year, I very much did so.

I took a new job that was significantly above my competency but very exciting, and then worked hard to bring my skills up to match. As a result, I learned a ton of new skills and perspective, that I've then been able to reapply in surprising ways to other technical areas. I'm no longer in stagnation, and am growing like mad again (yay!).

I went to social events alone, introduced myself to people, and made new friends who eventually became "my crowd"; now I am greeted with hugs and excited smiles by wonderful friends. I taught a photography class as a solo teacher. I did formal introductions of one friend to another (something that seems so simple, but which social anxiety had prevented me from doing before). I tried various new experiences without planning ahead (or worrying ahead) about how it would work out; and just not-worrying was a new experience too.

I took my first solo trip to Chicago in many many years (maybe ever) and succeeded in navigating / coping with traffic / getting where I wanted to go, without too much stress. I did a short solo hike in a redwood forest in California, and climbed muddy paths on my hands and knees because the adventure called me more strongly than staying tidy... and when I started to lose my footing, I got creative about leverage and figured out solutions, instead of getting nervous.

I faced down my high school struggles with foreign language learning and started the process of learning Japanese. It's so foreign that even after years of listening to it spoken in anime, I still struggle just to pronounce words and syllables. But I'm having _fun_ and I'm letting myself flub it over and over so that my mouth starts to learn how to follow the sounds. I am learning at my own pace and for the joy of the learning... like a little child playing with baby talk. This is the loose play that I was so rigidly afraid of in prior years, that stopped me from doing any deep learning. And now, instead... I play. I let the mistakes roll out. I fumble through it and then giggle and try again.

Tonight I sang at karaoke for the first time. Solo, too. And predictably, I sucked. And then I asked a good friend for tips, and got back up there and tried again, and the second time didn't suck nearly as much. I still have a long ways to go before I am "good" - but I don't care. I started! And I didn't freak out at just getting up there and doing it.

I relaxed. I let go. I figured out that mistakes won't kill me, or even particularly embarass me if I don't let them.

I still hold back sometimes, out of fear of "doin' it wrong." But now I have another option, that I can choose to engage: "Make more mistakes." It comes easier now.

I got the new job I was applying for. Yeah!!! 100% telecommute, which will be such a change. I put in my notice at my current job, and heard a fair amount of "we're sorry you're leaving -- you're talented!" Awww. :)

I'm spec'ing out furniture and laptop for purchase through the new job. Related, I've got a bunch of decluttering and cleaning to do around the area, so assembly of the new stuff is viable. There's probably 5 hours of organizing and cleanup work that needs to be done.

I'm also filled with a brainstorm of info for my current job's issues, with stuff I hope I'll be able to share on Monday or Tuesday (this is my last week of work there). And, I have another big brainstorm of stuff related to Sex Positive St. Louis, which is a new local organization I am becoming active in. I'm so excited about ideas I have to share, but I'm feeling squeezed for time to get them written up and sorted out.


Daniel and I got our bed frame (from years ago) reassembled today and the bed back on it. That was quite a task, as it's a king size, and we hadn't had the strength to wrestle it until recently. That bed frame was among the first real wood furniture we purchased after getting married, and it has lots of lovely memories of our first home and the beautiful days before he fell ill. So I am beyond thrilled to have it back, set up, and looking beautiful in our bedroom again. It's a simple arch and bars design, and a gorgeous wood that glows in the afternoon light. And it matches the rest of the bedroom set. :)

I was squeeeing all afternoon. Hell, even my cat is squeeing!! He has spent almost the entire rest of the day curled up on it, blissfully rolling around, and snuggled in happier than any other recent day. I think he remembers it and I think he missed it too.

Setting up the bed frame was the final step I needed to feel "moved in." It got taken down years back when we thought we were moving across the country, and then we decided to stop in St. Louis for a year or two... seven years later, I've been in the same rental house for three years and have declared I'm staying put. So the bed frame is finally reassembled and I'm HOME. It's such a profound and quietly deep sense of completion.


With the upcoming job change and all it means for my career and growth, I really feel like my life is getting back on track to where it should be. I've learned a few important things at my short-term job, and I don't regret taking it. And, I am already ready to move on. My mood is stable and happy, and I'm enthusiastic about life again. I'm done grieving the job loss in January, and although I miss the people, I see what's next for my career path and it's so exciting that I am totally ready to dive in.

Life hit me with a big change when I lost the job I'd had for four years. Quite predictably, at first I really just wanted my old life back. Trying to hold on to something that was no longer present, no longer true... sigh.

So, if someone turned the page on my life and I'm at the beginning of a new chapter... What might I want to do next? Other than familiarity, what was it about the prior job that kept me so energized?

Spirit of team and place: The startup feel drove a sense of possibility and accomplishment and excitement. Features came fast and furious, results came fast too. I was hands-on with the users and they were power users, so expertise played a big role. The enthusiasm helped me feel alive, and feel that I mattered.

Challenge: I got to stretch my brain on a regular basis. Whether I was learning new things or redesigning familiar things, I was juggling a lot of information at a fast pace and spent a significant amount of my time focused. This was starting to fall away towards the end, due to a variety of circumstantial things, but when it was happening, it was part of the draw for me.

Meaning: The software I was working with tried to make meaning out of text. Human language analysis. Complicated, messy, imperfect, and yet... deep and relevant. I found myself fascinated with aspects of searching, classifying, reading, extracting. I enjoy that field. It may not be all I enjoy, but I do enjoy it.

Respect: I was well established as an expert on the system. That had a few downsides but for the most part it was something I really enjoyed. I can function very well when I understand how everything connects. And I can contribute a lot, and it encourages positive interactions with people.

---

As I look ahead in life... I find myself drawn to the higher end computing work, that requires expert knowledge. I am pondering how to learn what I want to know. I don't know that I have time or patience to deal with returning to college. But I want master's level work, and don't even have a bachelor's degree. And what I want to get into is more formal academic sources; math, algorithms, computational linguistics. I want to grow beyond "just a developer" and into something that is so much more.

Why? Well - I'm bored. I want the work, the salaries, and the respect that come with having a specialty. I want to stretch beyond where I'm at right now. I NEED to grow. I NEED to stretch into challenges. I ache to feel the joy of pursuit again. I'd like to do it "for real" instead of feeling like I'm an "almost" -- that is, I'd like the formal academic theory that makes it complete, instead of guessing how to use others' tools to do things.

And this... this is absolutely out of sync with the local job market. Sigh.

What I can practically do in the coming year is stretch a bit into more modern "best practices" for Java. I can adjust to test-first development, Hibernate, Spring Webflow, JMS, jQuery. I can pick up the toolsets that are used locally and make sure I'm basically reliable using them. I can probably find an adequate, somewhat interesting job using those. And then? Then I get bored again.

I can stretch across platforms; maybe Android or iPhone, maybe Mac desktop apps, maybe Windows games. Any of these would be a worthy challenge and would increase my marketability. Learning to work on big Java would do likewise, although I'm unlikely to be able to do massive parallel processing apps in my free time; it's impractical. And again I'm not sure how much call there is for it locally.


So, I'm really at a point in my career, after 12 years of Java and about 15 years of professional coding, where I'm going -- now what? Okay I'm competent for most basic and intermediate work, and there's very little local demand for true experts, so... now what?

I didn't realize I would top out my field this quickly.


I feel like learning certain additional specialties or formal academic aspects should carry me farther. But I'm really not sure whether I can provide all the discipline to do that by myself, or how far I could get. So many other things in life are so very interesting, and I end up wanting to learn and do it all, all at once. And so few people around me "get" the depth of dedication that I need if I'm going to devote to really learning. I worry that everyone will forget about me socially while I'm buried in my learning. I do get lonely.

Life isn't in a good situation right now for me to return to school. I need to be working full time for income. I can cross train to other tech areas without school, though it's a clumsy process to do solo (a team is easier). But I'm not sure what to train into. I can make an educated guess that mobile computing knowledge is going to be in high demand. It's also going to be a clumsy area for me to move to, since I've done web but not desktop apps and the paradigms are very different.

Other geeks out there -- have any advice? Where do I go when I run out of growth room?

I don't seem to have the natural people talents to make me an effective manager of anything other than a tech team. I'm blind to egos and politics and tend to see task not people, which makes me a great engineer but a poor manager. I'm finding I'm more interested in the engineering side anyway. But where do I grow from here?

So, a few months ago I purchased an HP Photosmart Premium all-in-one inkjet printer (that's an Amazon link to the relevant model, but not an affiliate link; I have no relation to any companies).

I've come to really love this printer model, and here's why.

1) Excellent color-accuracy without any fuss for color management workflow. Literally, no fuss - the printer matches beautifully what my (calibrated) monitor displays. I don't have to mess with ICM or paper types or anything. For the more technical minded: the printer seems to work in sRGB color space, which minimizes hassle.

( (... more review information ...) )

I'm used to having a scanner, and I'm used to having a color printer... but having an all-in-one that also operates smoothly (no jams, no ink clots) and which is fast and easy to use, has really increased my throughput on art and design projects. It's made the process a lot more enjoyable and smooth.

It's rare for me to bother with a product review. I'm writing this one because having the printer has really grown on me - the more I use it, the more I love what it can do and how seamlessly it does so. It doesn't need babysitting; it just works. Like a printer should. If you want the tech specs and walk-through, go find one of the official reviews for those details.

Gallery link - click for the whole set. It was a gorgeous night to be out taking photos!

Location: Citygarden STL

So, I realized today that I haven't posted here much this year. How'd that happen??

I've spent a lot of the year metaphorically holding my breath. Still am, in a few areas. Waiting for life things to resolve before I talk about them. Certainly that has had an impact on me feeling like I have less to say.

But this year has had a number of things worth sharing - mostly, art and music related.

( longer desc )

I like color. And I like art. And FB flair gave me both. Of course, then the makers changed it up to make money off of it (harumph) so I can't easily add new ones anymore without paying. I was playing it ages ago when it was free.

But I'll share the pretty shinies for those who aren't on fb. Clicky for the zoom in.



Most of that is reasonable commentary on who I am, how I am, etc. A few are there just because they're pretty. And I created 3 of the images on there, too. Whee.

I am weary. It's been a busy past few weeks, with a lot of travel, and when not traveling, rushing to catch up afterwards or prepare for the next round. It doesn't seem like I should be this tired from it, but I am.

I'm feeling a need for emotional downtime, processing time, a chance to write about what's on my mind. Except, what's on my mind is vague and nebulous and uncertain, and sometimes entirely too personal, and generally difficult to get into words.

I'm going through significant internal personal changes... but I don't know how to describe them in a way that would make any sense. I'm seeking new forms of expression, but entirely inexperienced and mostly silent with them yet. I'm feeling the end of summer, and while the cooler air is a blessed relief, the sense of impending dooooooom from seasonal depression is really kicking up. I have a nagging sense of having signed up for too much stuff but being uncomfortable trying to scale any of it back. Life just feels... weird.

My head comes up with a lot of overreactions lately, exaggerations, unrealistic responses to things going on around me. I keep it quiet because it's dumb stuff and potentially destructive and not how I want to live. It's an unusual amount though. I think there must be resentment buried under it somewhere, but I'd rather not whine about my generally good life having a few stresses. It seems shallow. And it might be peripheral to the sheer amount of self-redefinition I've been attempting.

Oh, hey, I can probably talk about that part.


So, for this to make sense, you have to start from a baseline of where I was (in my head) in the past... which is something opposite or different from whatever I'm listing here as changes. Some of it is honestly quite old; I assume I was influenced by the cultures portrayed in the very old books I read as a child, when I had no one to help me put it into cultural context. Anyway.

I've been exploring personas, a bit. Exploring a more feminine way of dressing and being. Exploring vocal drama, varying ways of spoken interaction, body language, and physical drama. Exploring storytelling and theatrical flair. Exploring comedy in spur of the moment verbal humor. (I typed humor as human. I like that too.) Exploring ways of defining myself as an individual, separate from any group I belong with, lived with, or identified as. Exploring daring to ask for what I want in life and go after it wholeheartedly without guilt or embarrassment, especially sexually. Exploring the idea that I can choose to stop being afraid of simple things - like entering a new restaurant where I don't know the etiquette - by simply choosing that I will go through the motions and stay grounded in my body and have a good time. In short, I'm exploring the idea of living my life for myself without the queen of clouds running the show with her limitations around propriety, morality, fear, and shame.

And, well... that's huge. I don't think I could come up with a bigger way to change my life if I tried.

It's also really subtle.

These aspects of myself, the things that restrict me; I don't let them show very often. Oh sure some are unavoidable. But most of my limits are silent sneaky internal things, that by their very nature, evade social detection. Because really, I don't like to be boxed in by other people thinking I'm a certain thing, and then being surprised when I'm different... so I try not to let them develop a fixed idea of who/what I am. My own limits change with my moods and my choices and my growth; it does me no good for friends to think I am more limited and expect only that of me. And then... I find myself undergoing change, big change, in places where they didn't even know I was holding back, which means I have no one to talk with who understands me. Annoying little complication there.

What if the limits I see aren't real? What if I could simply choose to step past them?

I am not my family. I am not my past. I am not my childhood, nor my wounds, nor my schooling. I am not my culture's ideal, nor its idea of a good girl or a bad girl; and I am not Woman in the archetypal sense, and I am not a rebel to any of those things either. I am not my communities. I am not my job, my role, nor my teams. I am not just a thing to get tasks done, even when I am too busy to remember anything else. I am not my fleeting desires, and I am not my dreams or plans, or my hopes or fears.

Sometimes, my words or my art show glimpses of me. Like sunlight through a spinning crystal, it's just a sliver of rainbow, glinting and then dancing away. Sometimes, my learning and interests show glimpses of me, when I have the time to look deeper. Often, my desires reveal me, more so than anything else, for they speak of needs that drive my choices, my goals, my sense of self. And then they, too, pass.

I am not my dreams for the future, for I gave those up years ago when reality broke those bubbles. I haven't made new ones yet. It's enough work choosing how to spend my days; I'm not ready to plan how I spend my years.

And... in ceasing to rebel against popular culture, while also not chasing or embracing it... I am finding there are pieces I can use. Pieces I have missed out on and want to explore, try on, and play with now. I feel weird about them; guilty for even considering it, shallow somehow, but also proud of finding my own path that isn't purely rebellion. More willing to be eclectic, to put together my own collage. And, more willing to reject wisdom or culture that doesn't fit with my own needs and personal experience, even if I generally trust the source and participate in those communities.


Meanwhile... I am tired, and not getting enough time to process, and finding myself irritable and snappy, which doesn't fit the values around kindness that I want to live by. That's frustrating. I'm really not comfortable with my own anger or aggression, or even mild irritability... fearful of negative impact. And, it just doesn't fit my internal sense of ethics. So there's some lack of resolution going on around all that too.


So much in my head, so little happening verbally or even via blogging. I'm chewing on a lot, and some of it isn't shared here because it will come across as cold or unkind to others... particularly since I'm pretty sure my mind is blowing imagination stories way out of proportion and being all dumbly mythical with it. That should pass when I'm better rested and less stressed.

I had a dream the other night, of one of my siblings shrugging off our culture entirely, as he embraced a new life as a fisherman for an island village, helping to feed the village's children. I woke up uncertain what it meant. I think I "got it" just now, from the perspective of "you are all the characters in your dream." It's my own fight to find my individuality and value in spite of the cultural messages I internalized; it's my process of trying to create and embrace a new me that isn't dependent on all those old messages. It's my mind asking me, can we really do this? Can we shrug off the old self and create a new life? Create a life of value? It's also my brain saying, Do you realize how big this is?

But I don't think there's any going back. While I don't have words, I have a feeling that I am pursuing, whose carrot is freedom.

The path is pretty bumpy though.

o/~ I will be... I am me... Pure possibility... o/~

(We sung that while doing a spiral dance at the end of the last intensive. Good memories.)

I spent entirely too long writing, but my head makes more sense now. (Friends-locked post just made.)

I almost thought I'd lost the post when my computer rebooted after a software update that didn't let me tell it no... but firefox and lj restored it just fine. Whew.

I'm staring at a background picture that is from the landscapes gallery of Twisted Brush painting program website. It's a bit out of season (gorgeous spring sunrise) but so pretty I can't bear to replace it with something more current. One day I will learn to paint like that. One day.